Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My vagina is officially offended.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
