I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
