Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drake has all the answers
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
