dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
