I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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