Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Is it penis luge time yet?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
