I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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