I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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