Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
