According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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