i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
