I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
