Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
