iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
