Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
