I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
