why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
