i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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