dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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