you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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