WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
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Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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