I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
