fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
