New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
