I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?