and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.