I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
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I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.