my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk