i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
