Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
