Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
