...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
