Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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