I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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