i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
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Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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