It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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