I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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