I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
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She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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