you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
