my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
