I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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