will power is for people who don't want to get laid
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
