i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
