you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
