I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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