What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
