She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize