my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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