Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize