you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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