I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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