I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
