Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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