For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
