there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
