So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize