I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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