i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
