the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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