i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I smell like Dick and happiness
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
